Children....I want them....I can't dictate when or how they will come into my family.... For a "Type A", ultra organized, list making, planner this is very very very (did I say very) difficult. At times I struggle with why can't I just be "normal"....want baby...get pregnant.... have baby....it worked wonderfully for numbers 1 & 2....even being young and niave...and not nessecarily ready for children at age 19..... didn't have any bearing on the fact that I wanted children...I had children. Now 9 years later...I want more children...try to have children....can't.....can't....can't.....
Thought I could have "some" control at least in adoption. Want child.....get child....enjoy the blessing. Nobody told me or could ever really adequately explain to me the agony of waiting.....

I do all I can to make it work and the pain of not having control when I feel that I MUST have control is crushing at times.....the wait is excruciating....debilitating.....at times I just can't bare it....
I have given up....secluded myself in my room...screamed....bounced it out on the trampoline....eaten leathal amount of chocolate....prayed....begged...humiliated myself in emails to the agency in hopes of ANY information...beared my soul to others on the internet...sat at my computer "willing" my child's picture to appear in the inbox.....
I want more children...but I can't dictate when or how they will come into my family.
I can't make anyone do anything....I refuse to "kiss tush" or "make waves" in hopes of finding out who my new child is more quickly.....not because I am better than that....but because maybe ...I hope...... that it shouldn't really matter.....
As we hit the 5 month mark of waiting...it feels like a true eternity....some days I run to the phone when it rings hoping it is "the call" that will change our lives...of course all of it is in vain...then the let down is so fierce at times that I feel my heart has been cut anew. Other days I doubt there is a child out there for me....I must be kidding myself....why even answer the phone.....but the desire and hope still linger deep in my heart...the pain alos lingers below the surface and is still there even when I try to push it down.....I can still feel it.
This is the path that has been chosen for me...not one I had enough audacity to dream or imagine....but the scars mount daily and I hope that I emerge from this experience with greater character...but at this time...in this pit...all I feel are the wounds.....the spiralling lack of control that fights so ferociously with my innate being....one who is in control....or at least fancies herself in control.

I know that I should cling to God and His promises for our family but at times I feel like the in the meantime, everyday ins and outs of waiting patiently are too much...it feels like a punishment rather than a gentle nudge in the direction of growing character....at times the sacrifices of waiting patiently, saving mightly, and pretending to be happy with it mount and I find myself out of equilibrium again....lashing out in the way I have been taught....negativity...emotional outbursts....secluding myself....and lots of chocolate. I realize how human I am again...and how little I control I have over anything.
I know I am not alone in this struggle....but it still hurts.