So last night I posted the turmoil that I have been dealing with in the last month as I have had too much time to sit and reflect. Many of my Facebook friends know I have been that down but it all just seemed to spill over last night onto this blog. I wish I could say that getting it all out helped immediately... it did not....actually I came downstairs 3 times last night intent on deleting it....too personal...didn't want embarrasement to trump my sorrow. However, each time I went to click delete I reread it and knew that I wanted to be honest because I know many of my fellow adopters have dealt with their own infertility issues....and they don't go away by adopting. Adopting Wubitu has filled a big part of my heart but it still cannot replace the children we have lost... no matter how beautiful, wonderful, sweet, and perfect for us she is it is not her responsibity or purpose to heal these wounds.....the loss is still there with or without adoption..... Waiting for referral seems to rub at those old wounds...wounds that at times I don't even think are there.....but manifest themselves when I least expect them.
At the same time I mourn the loss of our children I also mourn the loss of the bonding time we missed with Wubitu when she was a baby. Was she super charged as a baby too...wiggly and vocal? Did her eyes dominate her delicate features. Was she collicky? content? sweet? ornery?
I will never have that time with her....
Which reminds me all the more that my time with our next little girl is ticking away as she sits in an orphanage and there is nothing I can do but wait.....Nothing I can do to collect a little more of that precious time.....