Adjustment in adoption involved the entire family. Wubitu coming home has affected each person in different ways so I will touch on each person and how they adapted and changed through this year.
1st is of course Wubitu. She is what Adoption Parenting books would call a "resiliant" child. She had some initial tantrum issues (read: 50+ a day including biting, spitting, kicking, hitting, etc.) but over the course of 3 weeks her tantrums gradually went from 50-0. We did not do "holding" therapy like some have suggested because well if you touched her during her tantrum she would kick and scream and bite more and then after her tantrum was over she would go over to you and kick you again for good measure (a boy in our travel group found this out as he tried to hold her during a tantrum...she did not appreciate it one bit). So we handled it like we did our biological children by staying closeby but used "planned ignoring". When she was done we picked her up and gave her hugs and gave her tons of attention. This seemed to work well for Wubitu. From the beginning Wuby has been very very loving as she would not let us out of her sight from day one and on through the first 6 months. She learned English VERY VERY QUICKLY. By 6 months most people could not tell that English wasn't her first language. Now at 1 year she has a larger vocabulary than about half of the children her age (i.e. hilarious, gorgeous, etc.). However, there are some noticable (to me anyway) deficits in her comprehension of language at times when she interacts with teachers, etc. ( I will cover learning in a later post) Overall attachment-wise...Wuby was ready to attach to our whole family. We did have some issue though with her learning what "mom" and "dad" meant and that we were solely in charge of her well being after being cared for by a rotation of adults in the Care Center. We continue to work on indisciminate affection and personal space but we have seen a huge improvement over the last 2 months. By this I mean that Wubitu would give ANYONE who was nice to her a kiss and hug (librarians, ice cream men, people handing out suckers) or she would touch people in inappropriate places as they walked by (i.e. touching peoples bottoms at Walmart, grabbing the librarians breast). We approached these as rules. When she would approach someone about ready to hug or kiss them then we would ask her "Is that your mommy (or daddy)?" She would say "no" then retreat to us for hugs and kisses. When we go to new places I would help to set limits (i.e. please keep you body behind this line for storytime....this is the librarians space and this is Wubitu's space). Now I do have to say that we are not 100% there with all of this. When we enter into any situation where we are in a large group of adults Wuby goes into "look at me" mode. She will act crazy for attention....especially in large family gatherings. This behavior will continue for a few days afterward when we are home. In response to this we are going to be limiting our holiday visits to 1 hour or so each and keep her close to us....we think she is feeling insecure in these environments and needs to ease into them. Overall Wuby has done wonderfully. She is happy, fun, and loving! We continue to work on these issues everyday and she has come a long way!! She has learned so much in the last year! Rules Rules Rules, Read this post from Fantaye's mom to get an idea.

Noah: The Big Brother: Noah has had the least about of issues with this transistion. He has always been the big brother who LOVES his younger siblings unconditionally. He is very even keel like his dad and grandpa Keith. He is one who will work hard for allowance and then spend it on his brother and sister when they refused to do any of the work. He has been great in the transistion and has embraced girl culture to play with Wuby. He played a Barbie wii game with her yesterday and LOVED it. He has also helped her to learn to play with her Webkinz and enjoys watching her dance videos. Often you see him snuggling with her and letting her pretend to be a baby (which she LOVES). The language barrier was hard for him at first...he knew that she wouldn't speak English coming home but the reality of it was harder than we imagined. You realize how much play involves language and the level of communication needed for play was lacking for at least 3 months.

Carter: Carter had a much harder adjustment as he was the baby for 4 1/2 years and he was replaced not by a helpless cute little baby but by an energetic, sassy, beautiful, attention grabbing 3 year old. When we returned home from being gone for 11 days in ET he had a lot of issue getting back into the routine with mom and dad home. He wasn't as snuggly as before we left....in fact he only wanted to snuggle when Wuby was on my lap. We dealt with ALOT of jealousy for a LONG time. After the summer and all of the "big kids" went back to school Carter & Wubitu had time to become friends. As Wubitu's language increased their imaginative play became more fun for both of them. At this point they LOVE to play together (don't get me wrong they still enjoy a good argument). When they are angry with each other Wuby will say "Fine I wont' be your mommy (or puppy)anymore" Carter will say, "Well I won't dance with you anymore (or be your bunny) anymore".

Torrey: Torrey has done very very well throughout this process of adjustment. He LOVEs being a daddy of a little girl! Wuby is way into princesses and dancing...often he will join her in the boys' room to twirl her around while she watches Barbie 12 dancing princesses or he will read her My Little Pony books. He also knows when I am at my wits end and will let me retreat to my room for the evening to refresh for the next day! I am SOOO thankful for this!!!

Me: I am admitting right now that I have been the most maladjusted throughout this process. And even typing this makes me feel selfish in comparison to the huge adjustment Wuby has made quite beautifully in spite of my huge amount of shortcomings. However, I will say that I have grown TEMENDOUSLY in the last year (and I have lots of new wrinkles to prove it). I read all of the attachment books and was ready for the worst case scenario... most of it being that the child would hate me and we could work on forming a bond. The reality is that Wuby was ready to form a bond IMMEDIATELY and with PASSION...and I was not ready for it. She loved us from the first day and wanted ALL of me....and I wasn't ready to give it. The boys were affectionate but very independant. The would jump on my lap and give me a hug then head off to play. Wubitu wanted ALL of my attention from the beginning without ceasing. She wanted me to entertain her and I wasn't ready for it. I was used to the boys playing together without much need of interaction from me. Through MUCH introspection I have come to realize that this is how I was raised and my mother too. Kids just play together and parents are not usually active participants in the playtime. So I wasn't prepared to play pattycake, dance, and sing songs ALLLLLL DAYYYYY LONGGGG (I mean all waking hours). I also wasn't prepared to have Wuby attached to me at all times from waking to sleep (and sometimes during sleep). I was exhausting!!! So in the exhaustion it started to affect my health and mental wellbeing. I started to have headaches all day long starting from before I opened my eyes in the morning until I went to bed at night. This made it hard to parent amidst all of the needing and noise and I started to act like parents I loathed in the grocery store or at the library...parents I now realize are just stretched too thin.... I lost myself for a long time and Torrey wondered silently if I would come out of it. I cried everyday because I thought I had made the worst mistake of my life! I cried because I realized that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was...because I wasn't the person I thought I was....because this showed that my love for others was much smaller than I thought it was....and I felt extreme guilt that Wubitu was stuck with a horrible mother who couldn't love her the way she needed to be loved. So I prayed and practiced God's definition of love trying to remember everyday to be patient and kind though everything within me was screaming Kimberley...you are evil....a failure! I joined the Post adoption depression Yahoo group and it helped me realize that I wasn't alone and everyday I worked harder at taking care of myself so I could take care of Wuby and trying to be a better mom everyday. It wasn't until we went to Texas that I received the time I needed. I am so very greatful that Torrey's mom let me sleep in every single day we were there! It was HUGE!!! When we came back home the headaches were completely gone!!! I just needed a break and some serious sleep! Slowly I started to heal. The bond between Wuby & I grew and continues to grow everyday. I am learning to play with my kids more one on one (legos, dancing, peek a boo, games)...though my flesh cries out that I just want to hide in my room after a long day where it is finally quiet. I work on it everyday to be an interactive parent but it is hard...Torrey has been a huge help too as he gently nudges me and also gives me the time I need when he knows that I just need 45 minutes in my room alone. I have learned to love Wubitu over the last 6 months with the headaches gone...even when her personality conficts with mine.....and when she pushes my buttons...the ones she knows send me over the edge. She really is the joy of my heart and I work hard on this difficult time of learning to love each other. We have mother daughter date nights that have helped tremendously....she gets to push all of the elevator buttons and it isn't a big deal to carry her through the store because it is just her without a trail of preschoolers behind us. We are working on finding more activities that are mutually enjoyed....not just what I like to do or what she likes to do. Coloring, shopping, watching movies together (though this makes me feel lazy sometimes), making dinner together, cutting coupons. There are still days when i think I have made a big mistake...but it just signals to me that I need a break...some chai tea, curled up with my TIVO in bed for a little bit and I come out wanting to spend time with my kids again.
I have to say that making it through this year has been the HARDEST thing I have ever done. Change is always hard....seeing the reality of yourself is even harder.....changing it for the better everyday has been a struggle but I am getting there. I am glad God has brought me through this as I see the progress I have made though I have felt alone and naked at times....it has helped me to realize that I am human...I have flaws...and that is okay as long as I have a heart that is willing to listen and change. And above all I have a beautiful, sweet, sassy, loving little girl that I get to continue to get to know and continue to grow together with.