This has been a whirlwind of a week as we had to pleasure of seeing our little girl's face and sharing our news with family and friends!!! After we received our referral picture I quickly sent it to another family that helped to set up our agencies humanitarian aid projects in Ethiopia. She emailed me 12 more pictures of our little girl!!! These pictures were amazing!! The quality was so good that I could zoom in so close to gush over every detail of her little face and even her cute little outy belly button. She also shared a little bit about her personality which was INCREDIBLE to hear...She is very active (much like Wuby I am sure), sweet, and a little shy. She also likes to hang out in the baby room because she likes to be with the nannies....and that she will probably be a mommy's girl. The fact that we could get more info from other families about our daughter is such a HUGE blessing that BFAS affords to families. With Wuby's adoption we had 1 very very sad picture of her for 3 months and than another tiny picture of her bald on her birth certificate a few weeks before we traveled....I remember wondering if she smiled, had teeth, or was every happy. I now 4 days after referral have a small photo album of pictures!!! I am so glad to have these pictures to hold me over during the long wait for court and travel. From these pictures and others reports I know she is happy and loved...which makes it easier to bear the time we will be away from one another.
A few FAQ's :
Is she from the same place as Wuby?: Our newest little girl is also from Ethiopia though we are not sure where in ET yet. She is in a different orphanage than Wuby but in the same city (Addis Ababa) as Wuby was in while we waited to pick her up.
Travel: If all go well we will probably travel in late May but if we do not pass court the first or second time we may not travel until as late as August. With Wuby we only had to wait 3 (agonizing) months to travel but assigned court dates are running about 3 months out from sumittion for a court date. After we pass court it will be an additiona 2-4 weeks until we travel. Please be in prayer for our agency as they prepare all of the paperwork to submit to court.
Who's Going: I will be traveling alone to pick up our little girl. Wubitu is not ready for both of us to be gone for a long time. So Torrey will stay home and be fresh and ready to receive a travel weary wife and likely confused little girl.\
What's her name?: We do not have her Ethiopian name yet...they should come along with the medical reports next week. For her American name we have chosen the name Marjorie in honor of my great grandmother. We have been calling her Maree for short. We will likely use her Ethiopian name as a middle name like we did with Keziah Wubitu. However, as you can tell from this blog and talking to Wuby we call her both names. Probably Wubitu more than Keziah but she usually interchanges them as she pleases. Once we get to Kindergarten she will likely have to pick 1 for the year though.
Pictures: As with Wuby's adoption we cannot post pictures on the internet until she is legally ours. With BFAS they have asked us to wait until we are home with our child. However, if you see me I am sure I will attack you with my new photo album as I gush about her adorable features!!!

I am so very very happy to announce that we have received a possible referral for a little girl!!! She is about 3 1/2 years old and absolutely beautiful!!! She looks very much like Wubitu! We are still waiting on her medical information and her name which should come between tomorrow and a week from now.
The referral story:
As you all know or have read I have not been very patient in this wait! This week I actually gave up a bit and decided to just go on with life as if we were not adopting at all....feeling defeated but determined to get out of the dumps we made lots of plans this week.
This morning we helped at Noah's school for Jar Wars and headed to the mall for some exercise. We stopped at a toy store to let the kids play a bit and I came across the puzzle display and I started to cry knowing that this adoption was too much a part of me to just pretend it wasn't bothering me....I wanted to buy those puzzles and fly them to the orphanage today...the cashier I am sure thought I was bonkers.....
So I pulled myself together, we came home, ate lunch put the kids down for nap...cleaned up the mess that had accumulated from a depressed mommy sitting at the computer waiting to see her daughters face. Picked Noah up from school while Uncle Brian let the little ones nap....sat down to catch up on email with Wuby on my lap and then the phone rang.....Better Future Adoption Services 4:04 PM! I screamed "It is our adoption agency" to Uncle Brian and the boys who were playing Wii bowling. My legs started to shake as Angela said she had a referral for us!!! Wuby said "Mommy do you have to go pee?" Angela said she would email us the picture and the medical info would follow within a week. She confirmed our email address and I sat refreshing for 9 minutes wondering if I was listening when she read us our email address.....thought about calling back....started to answer another email to keep myself busy. Jumped up and down in the kitchen..Noah said, "thats a weird way to say you have to go pee!" During this time I IMed Torrey so he would get it on his Blackberry in class. When the email came I melted and squealed and then forwarded it on to Torrey! He replied "she looks so much like Wuby...I have their pictures pulled up side by side" Then he texted "Are you as happy as I am!!!"!! He is still in class now as I type this. I called Angela back to confirm that yes yes double yes and she said she would send over the acceptance paperwork we would have to wait on the medical info too.
We are beyond excited!!! AND SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED!!!!

Since I have resigned myself to the fact that I cannot do anything to more quickly bring our daughter home (or even find out who she is)....I have decided to spoil my other children!!
This weekend was so much fun!!!
On Friday we picked Noah up from school and went to Wendy's and then straight to the dollar movie theater to see Madagascar 2 and splurged on the HUGE tub of popcorn. Then Michelle K invited us over since the guys were out bowling together and we had a grand ole time gabbing while our 10 kids played together. They had such a great time that all 3 of mine passed out within 2 minutes of leaving. (Unfortunately Noah woke up at 2 am to puke up the contents of the HUGE tub of popcorn).
Saturday we had a princess birthday party to attend while the boys enjoyed some more extreme sledding at Franke Park. Then Torrey took the kids to his friend Jason's house while I caught up on some backlogged TIVO and some much needed sleep.
Sunday we had church and enjoyed some yummo pasta at the servant auction then came home for a little rest before we headed out for $1 bowling night at Georgetown!
Really it was a great weekend!!! Very distracting...and perfect!!!
Some pics from the week:
This is from our weekly mall walking. This tent is VERY tall for little Wuby but she is super determined. She spend at least 20 minutes try to figure out how to get up on top by herself.....she has to get a crazy running start and get the perfect grip to shimmy up the side....she only makes it about 10% of the time...I have tried to redirect her toward the other things she can do but she only wants to conquer this tent!

Carter and Wuby are obsessed with the umbrellas at the Disney store...I am watching for them to go on clearance though! I have yet to go "mall walking" and not buy anything...though I have found some EXCELLENT clearance...so I have Noah's clothes almost all set now for next year! ($26 for 6 shirts and $12 for 3 pairs of pants so far)
This is Wuby rocking her own style before bowling! We were having some hair issues that day because she really really wants to wear 1 pony tail like mommy but the sides are just not quite long enough to stay up through all of her wild 4 year old activities!
Here is Wuby at the princess party!! She had a great time!
Chicken LIMBO!!!

So.....I have decided to stop being a bleeding heart at least here on my blog! So....I am being optimistic that our referral will come soon and our agency will start to communicate more effectively... I am really tired of having pitty parties for myself. So here I solemnly swear to not fuss for at least a week and post at least 2 happy posts!!! We shall see!!!

So....we still don't have any info from BFAS on our referral. We are passed the 1 month MAX offered by our agency...and well nothing...no new time frame even though we have asked MANY times for one.....no idea if there are people ahead of us in line....nothing.....very frustrating....seems to be the theme with this agency for me.....I am so past being optimistic. Now I must say that this post would have been much different an hour ago as I was going about my life with adoption nicely tucked into the back of my mind but today there are rumored to be referrals for older kids...boys only though. I am so happy these little guys will have homes. However, me (selfishly I know) am more frustrated because....you all know the whine that is about to erupt from my fingertips 1) told instant referral to 1 month max 2) no update even when requested 3 times at least) Agitu said over a month ago that they have girls in our age group waiting in the orphanage.
So...NO NEWS.... more frustration. I really wish I had great news to offer or could sugar coat this all but if you know me well...you know I don't sugar coat...and don't hind my emotions well There is real raw emotion involved in waiting....life decisions on hold...and dang it...it hurts. Please don't leave comments today about me needing to be patient...I might scream in my comments section....I realize that the adult thing to do is sit nicely with my hands in my lap and go on with my life like a sane person.....just let me thrown my virtual fit.....because dang it I need to get it out.

This weekend pictures of some children waiting at an orphanage that our agency works with became available. Their paperwork is not quite ready yet so most have not been referred to families yet. So the question arose...could we choose a child from these? Through email I ascertained that we could mention our interest in a specific child, it could not hurt. So as I scoured these group photos my heart landed on a few that looked like our little Wuby. Torrey is very much against choosing....how can you choose? His thoughts were...what if OUR child was using the bathroom while these pictures were taken. My thoughts were that there are so many ways that our daughters will stand out in our family and community, having the girls look similar might help them to feel more like they have someone who understands. Heeding my husbands advice I looked further at each photo, charishing every face....the more I looked the more I feel in love with EACH and EVERYone.
We have been praying for a little girl who might have a personality more like our Noah who is calm, sweet, & funny to help offset Carter & Wubitu's bubbly, zaney, wild, spunky personalities. We are trusting that God will guide our adoption agency to choose the PERFECT little girl for our family (spunky or sweet, looking like Wuby or not). Seeing these pictures gave me the illusion of control in our adoption....and you all know that is what I have been CRAVING.....however, this is control I am not sure I am very comfortable having. The only "right" decision for us is that only God knows which child HE has chosen for us.....I have to let go of any worry that something I or any other person here or in Ethiopia does can interfer with HIS plan for our family.
I see the wisdom in God bringing Wubitu to us. She is VERY VERY much like me in personality, it is scary sometimes. I have to let go and trust again that God knows which child will fit perfectly into the WHOLE REST OF OUR LIVES. Please join me in praying for guiding our agency toward the perfect child for our family.

We decided to take advantage of this GREAT winter weather today before it turned bitterly cold later this week with a sledding trip after church. We usually just walk to the park across the street but we decided to be adventurous and try a BIG hill at Franke Park.

I REALLY meant BIG! This is NOah being launched over a big bump on the way down. Usually you are airborne after the big bump and Torrey wanted me to catch it but this is what we got instead.....Even though Noah protested we moved down to the less treacherous part of the hill for fear of broken bones (as we were leaving an ambulance came rushing in...it is not hard to imagine why)
Here is Carter after we down graded to the smaller side of the hill. The big hill was way too much for him. The boys had a great time....poor Torrey had to carry Wuby back up the hill most of the time. We had her walk some of it but it was so steep and her legs were so little.

In an effort to "have a life" other than sitting at this computer waiting for someone to turn the page to the next huge chapter of my life....I left the house today!!!!!!!!! It is a true miracle!!! A huge change from a week ago when I did not leave this hard chair (thought a hard chair would deter me) to even shower for 7 days (It was that bad). So I have decided to write a few sentences in my book to fill the space until the page is turned. I can't blame all of my depression BFAS...another part is that we had to cancel our Y membership to help save for our adoption. I previously received the employee discount but since I haven't made it back to work I had to choose to pay full price (totally not me) or drop the membership. So the combination of waiting for my life to change and no longer being a gym rat has resulted in a bottom of ginormous proportions (....I have gained 30 pounds since July and still climbing). So today I decided to exercise the frugal way...I went Mall walking!! There were actually alot of people there moms with strollers, moms with friends without kids, elderly couples, mothers and daughters, newly retired young folk. The mall opens at 6 am for mall walking and the stores don't open until 10. I thought it would be a hassle to have my 3 preschoolers with me but it was great, they ran and I powerwalked at the same pace. We did 2 laps (which is really a long way) then they played in the playarea while I walked around the perimater for about 30 minutes. It was perfect because I could keep moving without looking like a (total) freak or running into shoppers and I could watch the kids from all angles (which I was thankful for because some older male gaukers stopped to watch the kids play but with me circling they moved along alot more quickly). It was GREAT!!! I think we will make it a once or twice a week trip to help us survive this horrible cabin fever. We even roped in a homeschool preschool theme of the sense of smell as we took time to sniff candles, roasted almonds, and different lotions at Bath and Body Works. Followed by reading the nose book before nap time.
While we were there I obeyed my dear husband's plea and spent money!!! In the words of my dear friend Jenny C- spending $20 won't kill you (even if you are ultra frugal and spending money when you know you should be saving is like snuggling up to a cactus)! Libby Lu was going out of business so we picked up some fru fru for future birthday presents at a GREAT price (75% off) and some birthday presents for my moms (not from libby lu...of course). Even though I didn't spend it on myself it feels good to splurge a bit when you get too caught up in are saving like mad fools for 2 adoptions in less than 2 years with one very modest income. We may be crazy but we know that God will provide and we are believing He will help us come out of this adoption debt free for the second time! I just need to let go of my purse strings a little bit and let God take hold.

I write the following
I broke down and emailed BFAS again today to ask how long they thought we would wait (I am trying not to be too annoying by constantly asking for an update). Now if you haven't been following along here we were told "instant referral to 1 month" when we turned in our dossier late November...edited homestudy recieved to complete dossier on December 2nd. Then when I emailed to check in on December 15th I was told "Likely 1 month tops but it is likely you will received pictures much earlier than that". We were told it was headed off on December 12th....then December 19th. So I have since been waiting by my computer (apparently foolishly) hoping that we would receive a referral. Over 2 Weeks ago Agitu responded to my email that they have children waiting in our age group. Again pointing to the fact that the quoted 1 month wait might hold true.
So the response today from BFAS:
"I would imagine it would be some time yet for a referral for you. I will let you know when I feel we are getting closer to that time. I know this is not what you want to hear, but it is important to me to be honest with our families so that they do not sit by the phone or computer."
My very frustrated overly emotional response: I wish they were honest from the get go. I reread my previous emails to make sure I didn't have the wrong idea and was being overly hopeful..and I feel like I had the right level of expectation from the information that was given to me from BFAS. I emailed again to ask how long: weeks? or months? I will keep you posted. I really am becoming very bitter....not to mention another bundle of frustrated emotion.

It was great today to get back into the routine! We splurged and ate out after church yesterday and it was WONDERFUL! The kids were great, we got there before the crowds hit, and food not cooked by my own hands was heaven sent! I am feeling better now...crawling out of my pit!! I happily jumped back into PTAing trying to resolve some old playground excavation issues....and we started back up with homeschool preschool. Over the break we started to teach Wubitu how to spell her name and she can now write it and tell you how to spell it very well! (though sometimes she can very ornery and tell you it is spelled sideways 3 (W) smiley face(u) b i cross (t) smiley face(u)). We have a long road to go before she is ready for kindergarten but we are making great strides considering she didn't speak English a year ago. On the attachement front Wuby has settled down considerably over the last few months and will just hang out on our laps. Before she would wiggle and squirm to make sure she had your attention....always busy...busy always. Today when I was exhausted she just snuggled in with me while we watched tv together....it was wonderful! We are considering getting her a bottle for further attachment as we have noticed that when there are a lot of children wanting my attention and she feel like I am not paying enough attention to her she makes a sucking noise like an infant nursing....which is then usually followed by a "crazy: look at me" behavior. We are going to try some quiet bottle feeding time to see if this helps with calming her more and give her some good one on one special time with just me and her.

So last night I posted the turmoil that I have been dealing with in the last month as I have had too much time to sit and reflect. Many of my Facebook friends know I have been that down but it all just seemed to spill over last night onto this blog. I wish I could say that getting it all out helped immediately... it did not....actually I came downstairs 3 times last night intent on deleting it....too personal...didn't want embarrasement to trump my sorrow. However, each time I went to click delete I reread it and knew that I wanted to be honest because I know many of my fellow adopters have dealt with their own infertility issues....and they don't go away by adopting. Adopting Wubitu has filled a big part of my heart but it still cannot replace the children we have lost... no matter how beautiful, wonderful, sweet, and perfect for us she is it is not her responsibity or purpose to heal these wounds.....the loss is still there with or without adoption..... Waiting for referral seems to rub at those old wounds...wounds that at times I don't even think are there.....but manifest themselves when I least expect them.
At the same time I mourn the loss of our children I also mourn the loss of the bonding time we missed with Wubitu when she was a baby. Was she super charged as a baby too...wiggly and vocal? Did her eyes dominate her delicate features. Was she collicky? content? sweet? ornery?
I will never have that time with her....
Which reminds me all the more that my time with our next little girl is ticking away as she sits in an orphanage and there is nothing I can do but wait.....Nothing I can do to collect a little more of that precious time.....

Children....I want them....I can't dictate when or how they will come into my family.... For a "Type A", ultra organized, list making, planner this is very very very (did I say very) difficult. At times I struggle with why can't I just be "normal"....want baby...get pregnant.... have baby....it worked wonderfully for numbers 1 & 2....even being young and niave...and not nessecarily ready for children at age 19..... didn't have any bearing on the fact that I wanted children...I had children. Now 9 years later...I want more children...try to have children....can't.....can't....can't.....
Thought I could have "some" control at least in adoption. Want child.....get child....enjoy the blessing. Nobody told me or could ever really adequately explain to me the agony of waiting.....

I do all I can to make it work and the pain of not having control when I feel that I MUST have control is crushing at times.....the wait is excruciating....debilitating.....at times I just can't bare it....
I have given up....secluded myself in my room...screamed....bounced it out on the trampoline....eaten leathal amount of chocolate....prayed....begged...humiliated myself in emails to the agency in hopes of ANY information...beared my soul to others on the internet...sat at my computer "willing" my child's picture to appear in the inbox.....
I want more children...but I can't dictate when or how they will come into my family.
I can't make anyone do anything....I refuse to "kiss tush" or "make waves" in hopes of finding out who my new child is more quickly.....not because I am better than that....but because maybe ...I hope...... that it shouldn't really matter.....
As we hit the 5 month mark of waiting...it feels like a true eternity....some days I run to the phone when it rings hoping it is "the call" that will change our lives...of course all of it is in vain...then the let down is so fierce at times that I feel my heart has been cut anew. Other days I doubt there is a child out there for me....I must be kidding myself....why even answer the phone.....but the desire and hope still linger deep in my heart...the pain alos lingers below the surface and is still there even when I try to push it down.....I can still feel it.
This is the path that has been chosen for me...not one I had enough audacity to dream or imagine....but the scars mount daily and I hope that I emerge from this experience with greater character...but at this time...in this pit...all I feel are the wounds.....the spiralling lack of control that fights so ferociously with my innate being....one who is in control....or at least fancies herself in control.

I know that I should cling to God and His promises for our family but at times I feel like the in the meantime, everyday ins and outs of waiting patiently are too much...it feels like a punishment rather than a gentle nudge in the direction of growing character....at times the sacrifices of waiting patiently, saving mightly, and pretending to be happy with it mount and I find myself out of equilibrium again....lashing out in the way I have been taught....negativity...emotional outbursts....secluding myself....and lots of chocolate. I realize how human I am again...and how little I control I have over anything.
I know I am not alone in this struggle....but it still hurts.

Here is Wubitu at the Christmas Program at church. Carter was supposed to be up there too but he refused. I missed the beginning trying to get things squared away in the nursery but I was told by many that Wuby likes the spotlight. She was showing off for everyone while the singers were assembling on stage.