Today we had our last Adoption training. A new revelation in my life: I learned how to describe my personality: Passionate (formally known as OCD). This lady spoke about her adoption from Russia... the moment she opened her mouth Torrey turned to look at me. I knew exactly what he was thinking.... she sound just like me. She gets excited about something and latches on an won't let go kind of like a pitbull. When she is excited she talks very, very fast and puts a lot of drama in it. She refered to her personality as Passionate. It is great to put a name to my disorder...I mean personality.

I am having another of those days where our dream of a daughter seems so distant. I know God will provide but the wait still hurts. My hopes are so high and I am seeing victories daily but the endpoint is so far that I am letting the obstacles overshadow the victories. I chose to rejoice so here I will list today's victories and shove out my disappointments because God is good and His plan is perfect:
1) We transferred another $925 to our savings for adoption cost (Torrey's Overtime and my Y hours).
2) I finally received my paperwork from CHSFS so I can submit my Shaohannah's Hope application (waited a week and a half for this paper
3) The post office is open today so I could receive the paper and send my application
4) I called Life International and they said we can submit our application even though our dossier can't be officially approved since we don't' have the money to submit it to the agency.

Sometimes I wish I could shut my brain off, tear up my internal to do list, and turn down the OCD dial from crazy obsessed to just chilling (90's word I know.. I am officially one of those weird old people who don't know what words teenagers use) so I could think about something besides the adoption.

Things are working... even if they are not at Kimberley's petal to the metal pace... I just need to pick myself up off the ground from my little toddler tantrums before God and trust that He loves me... He knows what is best... and He has a great, awesome, wonderful gift in store for us... I just have to wait for Him to pull it all together... the wait won't kill me (even if it feels like it).

So we have hit the first No cell phone issue. We cancelled both of our cell phones to save the money toward our adoption ($60/month X 10 months is $600!). Everything has been fine up until this point if you don't count the shock others have because we are not accessible 24/7. Last night on the way home from church we ran out of gas (yes, I know I am a dope for trying to test the gas gauge). We were in the middle of Coliseum Blvd. (one of the busiest streets in Fort Wayne) with 5 small children, in the dark and it is snowing....oh yeah and Torrey took out the fuse for the emergency flashers to fix my baby sis' s stereo. So normal people would pull out their cell phone and get someone to come and help.....but... no phone..... what did people do in the 80's in this situation? Because of our lack of emergency flashers nobody knew we were in trouble so we got the angy honks and flashing lights. I was afraid we would be rear-ended so I started to get the kids out.... the sight of 5 babies in the middle of Coliseum sparked some interest and a car full of teenage boys lent me their cell phone. After about 5 phone calls I finally got a hold of Torrey. The boys pushed our van around corner and into a parking lot. Unfortunately they moved it to where you can't see it from the highway and it would take about 20 minutes for Torrey to get to us besides the fact that it would be almost impossible to find us (we have no phone to tell him that we moved the van into a nearby parking lot). With no heat for the kids we found shelter in the nearby Video Stop. The kids enjoyed looking at all of the movies and video games until Destiny had to go potty! Finding a public restroom in an strip mall is next to impossible. Thank the Lord for Starbucks. They were the only ones who would let a family of stranded children in the snow use a restroom.... and they offered us free cups of water! The other stores just gave us dirty looks. Anyway, as we are on our bathroom treasure hunt Torrey is combing the area from church to the house trying to spot our invisible van. I happen to see a white Yaris drive by... so I leave Destiny (7) in charge of the babies and run out to flag it down but it's not Torrey! However, he happens to be pulling out of McDonald's across the street! So I jump up and down like a maniac to get his attention and run back to my unattended children. I am so glad that God helped me to stay calm in this crazy situation! We are still not going to get cell phones... everything worked out... God was watching and never let us out of his grasp. It is amazing how cell phones make a person less dependent on the kindness of strangers. I guess it goes the other way too, in that it gives strangers less chances to do something kind. It perpetuates itself into people thinking that strangers are not willing to help because we don't get a chance to help or be helped... everyone is so self-sufficient. Those teenagers seemed so proud to push a van full of kids off of a busy street and show off their manliness. It is kind of sad that cell phones diminish the number of these opportunities... I hope my boys get lots of chances to push cars and help old ladies cross the street with her groceries. Ah.. that's another example that is not likely to happen... who walks home from Walmart!

Today I was trying to finish up a few things for our dossier, but ran into a major snag when I went to get Torrey's birth certificate. Apparently you cannot pick up your spouses birth certificate (even though I did it about 2 years ago somehow). Last time I think they had mercy on me because I brought all 5 children with me on the 1.5 hour trip. Now apparently you have to be a blood relative (over 18... I tried to get them to let Noah (6) sign for it).... so your long lost drugged out sister-in-law who just got out of jail for extortion in Utah (an interesting relative but none the less a figment of my imagination) CAN come and pick up a birth certificate but NOT the loving wife who has on hand the marriage certificate, drivers license for both husband and wife, wife's birth certificate, notarized papers that had been signed by both of us that very same day, and loving children of both husband and wife. So instead I get to take the paperwork home, fill it out, copy the drivers license I had in my hand, sign the paper at home and send it in the mail so they can send it to me in the mail. SO FRUSTRATING!!! This is by no means more secure!!! On top of all of this I got my I-600A stuff back because the Indianapolis office does not accept personal check! Okay I am breathing deeply! Now that I have gotten that off of my chest, I can let it go. Lord please give me the self-control to not send a nasty letter with my request for my husband's birth certificate, help me to be patient as I finish my paper chase. Lord please help me to forgive those who are rude and help me to show kindness in return for nastiness. I know you are in charge of everything and everything will work out in your timing, according to your plan. Help me to submit to you and trust in Your Mighty Hand to bring all things into place according to your purposes.

Okay, Today I start my new obsession... THE BLOG. I can already feel the hours of semi-free time (when is a mom's time actually free) wasting away at the computer as I pour my heart (i.e rant and rave) about my passions! Awesome! Did I mention I officially feel like an old person for not keeping up with this whole Blog thing.